Change is good - whether voluntary or not - better yet, change can be a great thing. As humans, I believe it is natural to at times be complacent in our thoughts and become afraid to digress from our said plans. I get it - new things can be quite intimidating, especially if you didn't choose to embark on a new path and life chose a different route for you.
A few months ago, I knew I wanted growth but wasn't quite sure how to go about it. In my mind, my life was headed in one direction, but I think in my heart I felt otherwise. But something had to give - I wanted more from another, but I also needed more from life. However, life, quickly showed me that my newfound journey of growth would have to be a solo mission and not one of a team effort. Here comes the gasp. Life was changing for me and it was not on my terms. What a slap-in-the-face that was. I can confess, I went through various stages of grief during this time, i.e. anger, pain, sadness, confusion, vodka (do not judge - it was one of my phases a night or two) - but I am proud to say I kept my composure. I did not let my so-called "rut" get the best of me.
It would be a lie to say this new transition didn't take a toll on me emotionally, no matter how composed I was in public, I suffered in silence for a while. The detox (the first 24 hours) were the worst because I didn't know where to begin. It seemed like everything else went awry too. In the beginning I thought noone could or did understand, then I thought people just felt pity for me and then I just wanted to crawl in a hole and hibernate for a couple of years - as if that were even a likely option. All the while, the inconsistency of another was continuing to weigh on me and further confuse and weaken me. Yet, on the surface, I remained calm. Although I was hurting, I did not let bitterness set up residency in my heart; instead I forced myself to become nicer, more considerate and even began to smile more.
Then one day, all the smiling must have worked. I remember waking up feeling a little stronger, more confident, more appreciative for what I did have - and I asked myself why? Why am I resisting change? Why am I letting life run me instead of me running my life? It was in that very moment I cried because I was on the brink of freedom. I was at liberty to do and be as I saw fit. I became aware of how emotionally flexible I could be and how the path that life sent me on was just a detour to get to the fabulousness of where I am set to go anyway - I am just taking the scenic route now.
That one question led to me ask myself other uncomfortable questions. Who do I want to be? How do I want to be remembered? Am I funny? Am I strong? Am I brave? Am I too serious? I then took a long stare at myself and realized that all these months had passed and I was still standing. There was one of my answers - yes, I am strong.
While I do think about what was and what could have been I no longer get saddened by those thoughts; I smile. I laugh - not because I am better than the situation that tried to break me, but I am definitely happier than the amount of damage negativity (so-to-speak) tried to inflict.
I have met new people, had new experiences and am more excited about the future and the great things the UNIVERSE has in store for me. While I don't get it right every single moment of every single day, I do know that when I don't like something I have the ability and the right to change it before it changes me.
So if ever life hands you lemons or limes...break out the salt and patron - but if that isn't your style just remind yourself to bend and not break. Get up, intend to do better and then in the words of a woman that inspires me, RaqC, "just be."
Be better, be you, be happy, be smarter, be kinder.....just be.
